Some things people say are helpful, some things pick you up out of the fog and confusion of the aftermath and help you get somewhere just a little bit closer to a new type of normal.
But then there are things that a lot of people say that, even though most come with the best intentions, just really aren’t helpful.
I’ve outlined a few of the biggies here, feel free to comment if you think I have missed any out. I have only told a handful of people, and never announced a pregnancy, but for this who were much further along and who had announced their baby to the world it’s even more of a minefield of potential ‘well wishers’ and ‘know it alls’.
- ‘It wasn’t a real baby’ (perhaps not to you, but it sure felt like one to me.)
- ‘At least you weren’t very far along’ (yep, because that makes it so much better.)
- ‘You can have another/ you can try again’ (That’s as may be, but it doesn’t erase what we lost, and for a great many people there isn’t always the option of ‘having another’)
- ‘It was probably for the best’ (often accompanied by)
- ‘There must have been something wrong’ (yes, thank you random person with no medical qualifications, it could be true, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it, actually.)
- ‘Other women/people/families have it worse, I know such and such a person who went through (insert awful situation here)’ (Excuse me but when did somebody else’s grief or problems stop ours being less valid, sure we’re greatful that we have what we have, but it doesn’t make the pain any less real. Nor is this a competition, in fact, the idea that anyone else has to go through this as well is the opposite of cheering.)
Surviving miscarriage together x