Nearly every miscarriage support website I have come across includes God in his many forms. Telling me how we should trust in God, and our that our babies are in heaven. Caling them ‘Angel babies’ and saying how we will one day be reunited when we die.
The only problem is that I don’t believe in God, or heaven, or Angels or any sort of afterlife, and there’s nothing anywhere on how to cope when you really truly feel that you will never see, meet or hold your child.
My partner is a Christian, and I envy his belief that he will one day hold our baby and tell them they are loved.
I miss the God of sunday school and holiday bible club, I miss the friend that I would talk to throughout my childhood; always with the sure belief that he was listening. I miss the church and the community and the knowledge that nobody is ever truely gone from our lives, only from earth.
Yet, no matter how much I would love to believe that I will one day hold my baby, I don’t really believe I will. As I grew older I slowly lost any belief In God, however unlike my mother (a staunch atheist and darwinist) I do not feel that organized religion is no longer necessary In our society, in fact I very often feel it’s absence in my life.
In the week’s following my loss I turned back to the God of my childhood, and sought refuge in the church I grew up with. I would light a candle every time I went, I picked flowers from my allotment and arranged them, trying to make the tiny chapel where I went to grieve brighter for others. I even brought tissues in case anyone else needed them. I prayed for the soul of my baby. I prayed that if there was a Heaven and a God that they would care for them when I could not, but I didn’t truely believe that He was listening anymore.
Now it’s winter, and in ten days it will have been two months since I lost my precious little flame. There are no more flowers to take.
Nobody gives you advise on how to cope with loss when it really is the end for you. Loss is a very personal thing, and impossible to generalize. Everyone grieves differently, and no person’s loss is the same. All I can tell you is that there is no right way to grieve, nor is there a cut of point when suddenly you are through and don’t need to grieve any more
You simply have to adapt your life around the loss and carry on.
Even if you, like me don’t believe in God, there are support groups, websites and books dedicated to the subject of grief, miscarriage and loss that don’t involve Faith, even if they are burried writhin those that do.
Whatever you believe, or don’t believe
You are not alone.
Love always, Surviving Miscarriage Together x