I found that I was and sometimes still am really anxious after my miscarriage. I was low, I hated being around people. And the stress, grief, hopelesness and uselesness I felt in the immidiate aftermath especially was a toxic combination.
During the first few weeks I hated my body, I felt useless, I hated life and I really really hated myself.
I wished I had died instead, and I would still trade places in a heartbeat if I could.
I felt like I had failed at the most intrinsic part of being a mother before I even began. Not only was I so useless as to have absolutely nothing prepared in my life for a baby, but I couldn’t even keep them safe long enough to hold them in my arms.
I lost the first tooth and the up all nights, I lost the three, and five and eight and 16 year old they could have been. I lost conversations in the car and teaching them to read.
For a long time it felt like I lost everything; and I had to learn how to build from the foundations up.
Another thing I battled with was selfishness.
I felt I was selfish for wanting them back, even though really I was not prepared for a baby. I thought I would be married first, with a house and a job and a picket fence by the time children were an option, but I wasn’t.
I felt I was selfish for knowing I planned to bring a baby into the world who could grow up with similar health problems to myself.
Even my own grief made me feel selfish.
I was so wrapped up in myself that I would worry that I wasn’t doing enough for my partner, but also couldn’t see a way of doing more.
I have found that the stammer I had as a child, and a lot of the social anxiety I felt when younger has come back, but being able to identify and isolate the root of the issues has meant that I rely less on unhealthy coping mechanisms and more on the love and support offered to me by loved ones to fix the issues I face.
It is only really now, two months afterwards that I am finally beginning to come through these feelings. I will grieve for the rest of my life, but grief isn’t my life.
And while time doesn’t heal all wounds, time does give us the opportunity to process the emotional effects; and if not heal them, them teach us how to cope with them.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x