Mostly now I can feel myself ever so slowly creeping forward to a place where I might just be able to move on, to move forward from this. Not that it will ever not be a part of me, but I cannot and will not let my past define me. I am a mother yes, and I a grieving mother, certainaly. Will I feel exactly like this for the rest of my life, this much grief.
No I won’t.
But some days still catch me out of the blue and just floor me, grief is cruel like that, it lets you think that you’re okay and then you’ll see something, or smell something and it all comes rushing back in a flood of memories.
I know from experience that the sharp pain of loss does end eventually, to be replaced by a well worn ache that you nestle into a corner of your heart, and you let the love you feel layer around the grief like a pearl of hopefull emotions.
I have survived the death of both Grandfathers, one of whom was and always will be both Grandfather, Father figure and Friend to me, who let me know always that I would never lack for a type of unconditional love, that I can only hope everyone gets to expirience once in their lifetime.
I have survived the death of a friend at far far too young an age from a cancer that crept into our lives and robbed the world of a beutiful Elephant obsessed flame.
I have lost siblings because our parents are no longer together, who, although in he eyes of the law were never family, the long term relationshp between our parents made them family in all the ways that matter most. They were no less my siblings than my one biological brother, time and love makes a family, not blood.
I have survived illnesses, both my own and that of those around me, illnesses that pass, and that don’t pass and those that snatch people away before you had time to prepare your heart in even the smallest of ways.
I have survived this and I will survive loosing Emmet, and the all consuming directionless love that babyloss or childloss at any age thrusts upon you.
And I thank everyone in my life who has made this survival possible.
Surviving Miscarriage Together x