The future, maybe?

I am doing my best at focusing on being grateful for what I have, and the chances and choices I have, rather than those which I don’t. 

I know it’s not an option for us for ten plus years yet, (i.e. after the necesary goals of or a job and a house have all been achieved,) but I researched adoption. It seems sort of silly, but it’s a way of coping for me. I stress when I feel like I don’t have options, so I’m looking for them.

Before our pregnancy we had talked, in an abstract way, of starting a family. We were really getting serious after our relationship hit the four year mark, and it was nice to just dream together. 

Although my health conditions do not immediately bar me from motherhood by lumping me with infirtility in a direct sense; I do not want to plan to bring into this world a child that has a high chance of inheriting at least 1 if not all of my conditions; so we talked about adoption- it seemed so logical. 

Why would we have a baby knowing we both carry the genes that could give them the same condition as me? As well as put my (kinda crappy sometimes) body through that, when we could offer a home and love to a child that needs one.

Perhaps if I did have a baby they would end up like my brother where it hardly effects him, but then again they could end up like me. In and out of hospital and wheelchairs. I wouldn’t inflict the craziness of my health on my worst enemy (if I had one), let alone a child. My child. I have never felt that I can really justify to myself having a baby.

Now building a family doesn’t seem quite as simple as it did when we were first dreaming. It’s scary now, with so many variables. So many things that could go wrong. 

I am so scared that an adoption agancy would take one look at my health and punt us out the door labeling me as someone who is unfit to be a mother. I failed so spectacularly the first time.

But I’m more scared of passing on my condition than I am of never being a mother that is able to hold her children. So adoption it is.

Love and support always, 

Surviving Miscarriage Together x

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