Today is the first 22nd that I have had school. Every other month this day has managed to fall on a weekend or holiday. It had to happen eventually; but why today of all days when there are no free periods and no breaks wherin I could just hide from the world? I was forced happy on the outside all day. I only fled to the bathroom to cry twice. I feel like that’s an improvement. Nobody asked if I was okay, except my parner who I saw briefly this afternoon, so I guess I hid it well.
I didn’t stay up either, to watch 12.06am to roll by as I have religiously for the last 3 months. I was asleep trying to prepare for today.
I’m exhausted. I’m so done with today. I don’t care anymore, not about the lessons or the 1000 words of history coursework I just forced myself to write. Everything I’ve written today is probably going to be looked back on and deleted, but I have so many things that I need to do that I can’t escape it anymore.
I have to focus on school and exams and coursework and the utter bullshit that goes with it, when I don’t care anymore. All I have wanted to do all day is curl up on the floor and scream and cry and just not have to pretend.
I’m sick of pretending to be excited over things I don’t care about. I couldn’t muster up a single fuck to give about gossip today, even red velvet cake, one of my favourite things in the world left me unexcited. I couldn’t taste it. Everything has tasted like sawdust today and I just don’t really want to eat. I’m just auto pilloting and shoving sawdust cake in my mouth.
Surviving Miscarriage Together.