I deleted it just now. The pregnancy tracker app. I used it, even when there wasn’t a them to track anymore because it made me feel closer to them, but I’ve realised that all it was doing was taking me away, because it wasn’t real anymore.
I haven’t needed to look on it for a while now, and I know that if I do need to know again, then the internet will be there.
I’m trying to move forward and this is a big bit of that. I think maybe I might just be able to accept now that this is in fact the reality I find myself in.
I feel resentment now, but I’m trying to focus on being greatful for what I do have.
Resentment is an easier feeling than not feeling real, and I find I’m less angry now. I feel a little bit more like me again lately, I can’t go back to before, and I don’t want to. Because who I am now is better and stronger than before. Who I am now understands love differently, and I don’t want to loose that.
Without the shield of numbness or anger, things can be harder to deal with, mostly I’m struggling with stress, which coupled up with everything makes me anxious. (Oh exams how we love them…)
It seems weird to say to myself that, despite the anxiety attacks this week, something which would normally spiral me into thinking that the whole world is awful, I can see that it isn’t.
Loosing Emmet I thought I lost everything. I couldn’t see that I gained things too. I know who my friends are, I’ve realised who I can trust, and I’ve seen the world very differently since.
Little things don’t bug me in the same way, even if my being a little fragile of late has made me more tetchy. It’s an odd contradiction but I know that where I am now is a million miles away from where I was in October, or even last month.
On one hand I feel like everything is too much, but in the other hand, there is a certain calmness in knowing that when you have survived the unimaginable, surviving what is imaginable is possible.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x