Missing them

I miss Emmet so so so much today. My meds are giving me horrible cravings at the moment for weird ass things, I have been eating plain bagels by the packet etc…

My family keeps teasing me about being pregnant and it hurts so fucking much. So I was super tetchy this morning and probably a huge bitch. I managed to plaster on a smile and appologise till I could hide in the toilets at school and sob.

Every single time they joke about me being pregnant, or jokingly ask and then shout to the other. ‘No she’s not pregnant’ it feels like being stabbed. 

I wish they would just stop, it doesn’t matter how many times I say it’s not funny it just repeats. I don’t know why it’s turned into the favourite joke in my house right now but it has. I just want it to end.

On Sunday my Step dad decided to crack out their favourite joke because I mentioned I really wanted a bagel for a snack as we sat down to watch Countryfile. My Gran was all ‘ No she’s way to sensible for that” and my Mum backed it up with “better not be. I don’t want to be a grandma before I’m 50”. And then they decided to give me their favourite ‘career and education is more important than a family’ lecture. 

It turned into a huge ‘let’s list all of the people we know who had kids quite young and why they have bad careers’ fest.

Every time I think I’ve worked up the courage to talk to my Mum my family comes out and does something like this. If I had managed to keep my pregnancy then I don’t doubt they would have been supportive, but I knew I was pregnant for three days before I started to miscarry, I never had a chance to tell anyone anything before it was too late. 

I’m just so tired of this. I just want to go to uni so I can escape it, but I dread so much being away from the few people who know what I’m going through. 

I’m so done with this. I want the support of my family but they’re making it so I can’t bear to ask. They’ve turned it into such a joke, I don’t know how to turn round and tell them.

4 thoughts on “Missing them

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