Mixed up brain

When I’m exceptionaly tired and fatigued, or if my pain levels are high I get what I not so fondly refer to as foggy headed. 

I become disoriented, confused, and often upset; with little understanding of the world around me. My short term memory can get frazzled, from forgetting a few minutes, to hours and sometimes days.

More often than not I eventually remember the days lost, but not always. Or when I regain a state of compus mentis,  what transpired in the foggy moments comes back.

Apparently I had two yesterday, the latter of which I remember parts of. My mother said I couldn’t remember which street the shop I wanted was on, and when in the shop I promptly forgot where I was and what I was looking for. 

All was well. I got home and was settled in bed with a cup of tea. Apparently at some point I must have got up to get something to eat, and having left me safely in bed resting my family was the other side of the village at the allotment.  

My partner said he found me half way up the stairs holding an un cooked waffle, but otherwise fine if tired and a bit out of it. (I don’t remember any of this, I got the lowdown on my life Sunday morning over breakfast. Last thing I remembered this morning was a big fish in DR.WHO… confusing…)

So he was glad we had agreed for him to come over, (had no idea when we agreed that, read my texts back later today, apparently I didn’t go to work either.) I thought he had just popped round and he too hearded me back into bed.

I vaguely remember now I’ve been told, that at some point I must have entered the fog fully – and I turned to my partner very surprised to see him there and asked him why wasn’t he wearing a shirt? He replied he was warm, to which I said I was cold etc (under 6 layers)… and all in all I had basically no idea how or when he turned up, or what was real and what wasn’t. 

He said I struggled to recall what day it was, and apparently the only thing I wanted was to have pasta (at least normal me and foggy me agree on something). 

I don’t remember what happened fully, but I got very very upset when he tried to hand me Eggbert (A plush bear… he’s kind of derpy looking but tends to cheer me up when I get very sick because he looks so dumb.) Eggbert holds a sign that says ‘I love you too the moon and back’. He’s one of the things that will go in the nursery if we manage to have the family we dream of in the future. 

I barely remembered who my partner was, I had no idea where he came from, or when. As far as I was concerned some half naked man appeared in my bed and started asking me questions about what day it was. I got worse after that and I honestly have no idea what went on between between ‘Why don’t you have a shirt on?’ to ‘What day is it? Do you want Eggbert?’ And when I found myself downstairs eating pasta with my family (Thank you Dad for the emergency pasta).

I know I started to cry some time between ‘what day it is’ but I had no idea why I was so sad until my partner handed me Eggbert. I was confused because I thought I had a baby, but I didn’t look pregnant. I had no idea what was real after that.  I didn’t know what was going on at all, I only really recall knowing I didn’t know.

I woke up Sunday morning and I don’t think I have ever felt so guilty or wretched in my life. I forgot them. I didn’t know what was real, I didn’t know what to say. How could I have forgotten them?

I did the one thing I swore I would never do.

So lowdown on my life. My brain sucks and my week has been a bit of a shit storm.

A snapshot of inside my head…

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