What I’ve learnt in the last 6 months, and ways I’ve coped

I’ve been trying to write this post for a long time, it’s a bit bullet pointy, but lists and I get along well. I struggled with this so I just put the essence of what I’ve been trying to get across into words.

Things I have learnt:

  •  Love like nothing else on the planet.
  • Missing them is a part of who I am now.
  • Who I truly trust.
  • Who I can count on.
  • Despite everything I am glad I had them, even if it was for too short a time.
  • That there are so many other people out there going through hell and nobody ever notices.
  • Stigma seriously sucks. All kinds of it.
  • Shame is the worst feeling in the world, and it denies all common sense.
  • Guilt too.
  • I have learned that the only thing you need to achieve is breathing, one foot in front of the other is reserved for better days.
  • Better days do come. 6 months ago I would not have believed that.
  • I would still go back, just for those three terrifying perfect days when I knew for sure and it was just me and them. I would go back and love them more. I would go back and tell my partner. I would do so many things. But I thought I had a lifetime.
  • I have learnt that time travel is unfortunately not a feature in my life, and that the above point will have to be accepted.
  • You should at least try to live as many days as you can like time is running out. Go visit that place you talk about. You should eat that one exquisite looking overpriced pastry in a london cafe.
  • You never know when you will wish you had more savings and so you should save as much as possible. Even if it’s 3p a week it adds up.
  • You should love like crazy. Loveas much as possible. It hurts if you don’t and hurts if you do. Better to have loved and lost than to have lived without love.

Ways I have coped:

  • Cried. A lot
  • Got angry
  • Started a Blog
  • Cried a bit more
  • Pinterest quotes
  • The Mariposa trust (Sayinggoodbye)
  • Talked to other people in the shitstorm that is the baby loss club. It sucks but we’re here for life now so we should get to know one another.
  • Cried some more.

I am honestly so greatful for the support so many wonderful people have given me through this site, and other means. I haven’t met most of you in real life, but thank you so much.

  • Hugged my dogs
  • Kept a journal.
  • Made a memory box, I have little from them, but my family always gifts baby things that are designed to be used by that childs children. Mine have always belonged to the future and I couldn’t quite bear looking at them anymore so they had to be out of sight but still special.
  • Drank a lot of tea
  • Communicated with my partner.
  • Tried to find joy in the little things, no matter how hard it may seem some weeks.
  • Visited the church a lot to light a candle. I like leaving flowers in the Mary’s chapel in my local church. I don’t have any particular belief in God, but was raised going to sunday school and I like the comfort it brings. My family are atheist. I don’t know anymore.
  • Read up on everything I could find.
  • Made things. Anything really to keep me busy. I initially tried baking but that wasn’t a crowning success as I cannot bake to save my life.
  • Stew on the other hand is my thing. I made a lot of stew.
  • I knitted for my expected Niece Skye. It killed me for about a month, but in the end preparing for a baby, even if it isn’t mine gave a weird sort of closure.
  • Acepted that true closure is not necessarily going to come, but that although my life will always lack them. It was betyer to have lobed and lost than never have loved at all.
  • I write their name everywhere and I take photos, I’ve only started that recently.
  • Talked to my friends. Serious life is not fair. F.U.C.K. T.H.I.S type talks where life in general is slagged off and you can just scream at the world.
  • Cried. God knows how many times, and while I tend to feel awful during. I wake up and I feel more able the next day.
  • Blankets. Piles of them in a cocoon with very bad tv series and rom.coms.
  • Put things away for the future. In all maner of ways. Savings, hopes. Literaly putting things in Mum’s loft until I get my own house.
  • Made a shelf and put a candle on it so I can still light one when I can’t walk to the church.
  • And a lot of other things that I’m not sure how to express.

 

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