I did it. I spent most of today with a 5 year old, my uncle and cousins were round; one is a high schooler, the other in reception class. I tell myself that every time I spend time with little kids, toddler and babies it gets easier. And in truth today has been the first child oriented day that I haven’t hidden myself away and had a sob or a bit of a moment.
We played with toy cars on the mat, dug holes, watered the garden, went to the playground and picked flowers. Normal small kid noise and dirt things.
I also know I am lying to myself. It doesn’t really get better. It hurts the same, I just get better at pushing the pain the back of my mind.
Over time I know I will get better at coping. Over time I have got better at coping. Anybody who has lost a child or a baby or any friend or relative knows that time is the only thing that lessens the ache.
It doesn’t go away. Only a liar would tell you that the pain goes away completely. The sharp shards of pain wear with time like glass in the sea. The edges dull and what was once clear to look at becomes clouded.
Every time I see my niece or nephews, my little cousins or kids at work, there is the inevitable tug of pain and longing that can only ever be cured by
A. A miracle. (Death reversal, time travel etc…)
Or B. It finally being the right time in my life to start a family of my own. To quell the longing for a home and children.
And let’s be honest here. Even another baby, a successful pregnancy or adoption won’t cure the pain. One baby doesn’t replace the pain of the loss.
Loss isn’t cured by new life, a rainbow baby or finalized adoption papers or getting a puppy. They can help you heal but can never replace what was lost. See my post here for more on that subject.
I know that working at Forrest school this summer and staying with my sister and nephew is going to be a challenge to face. Constant 24 hour young-child exposure is not currently my idea of a good time. Yet working with and educating kids using outdoor play is one of my passions. There is no avoiding it. I know it will bring heartache. I also know that it will bring joy. Coping with a 5 year old today showed me that I can do it. It also reminded me why I love working at Forrest school, and reminded me why I haven’t made excuses and avoided it all together.
I am determined to keep going. I refuse to give in and give up on what I love. I hope to hell that anyone reading this doesn’t give up either.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x