Todays prompt is Imagine.
The idea is that you do something creative each day that helps you heal. such as drawing, crafting, photography, writing or blogging.
I’m going to do a blog post each day, and if I can attach a sketch or photograph that links to the prompt and my own story.
Well I imagined a lot of things when I was pregnant. It’s what you do, dream about a future. And you imagine what it’s going to be like.
So, when you suddenly find yourself thrust into the world of babyloss and grief you have all these things you imagined stuck unrealized in your head. It doesn’t mean you stop imagining though.
I asked myself what if I had dine something differently? Would it have effected the outcome? Imagining a thousand and one different scenarios, searching for where it went wrong.
I had imagined a future, and that image of what I thought was going to be the future wasn’t. There wasn’t birthdays or first teeth and cuddles. There wasn’t anything I had imagined when my baby was still of this earth.
But I still think, how would my life have been different if they had stayed? What would they have looked like, who would they take most after? Imagining all these possibilities and more, and always in the knowledge that I will never know.
So as a Loss Mother imagining things can be a bit mental roadblock when it comes to trying to move on. And you know what, there isn’t any best way of moving on, baby loss isn’t an event with an end date. That sort of loss stays with you for life, and that’s okay. My Maternal Grandmother lost her first baby girl only a few hours after she was born, and 50+ years later still grieves her loss, and she has every right too.
Moving on doesn’t mean moving away. It just means learning to live with what you have in the present. It doesn’t mean always letting go of what you imagined, because truely, who can let go of all those dreams? It’s an impossible task.
Instead I try to accept what they are, and what those imaginings mean to me, and although the future I dreamed of will always be in my minds eye, it doesn’t have to take over my mind.
I chose to imagine a future where the grief is lessened, where I am older, more accepting of the limitations of the future I find myself in, but also it’s joys.
Loosing Emmet took pieces of my heart but not my joy, because I am trying to choose to be greatful rather than angry. Although I can’t pretend I am always successful.
I would be a liar if I said I was always able to choose gratitude. Gratitude after baby loss is a bitter pill to swallow, I am not greatful they are gone, but greatful for the love they taught me, and greatful there is still joy. (Which is pretty much why ‘My 5 happy things a week’ came about. To prove to myself that the world is not always as desolate as I imagine it to be, and that there are joyful, happy things around me if I choose to look.)
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x