Today’s prompt is patience.
Sometimes I can be endlessly patient. With small children, a restoration project requiring hours of cleaning and repair, or a textile piece. I have patience with flowers and gardening, yet other times I desperately impatient.
I am very bad at waiting for microwave food for example, I am terrible at waiting for public transport as I always worry I have either just missed it or it will never arrive
Since loosing Emmet I have often struggled with patience. I have been so caught up in everything going on in my head that I can be snappish with friends and family, and impatient with the needs and demands of others. I am also doing exams, and stress has never helped my patience levels.
My health conditions also are both conductive to learning patience and and a test of patience, with endless frustration of never being able to fit everything I want to do in. Sometimes my impatience means that I don’t give myself time to recover, and get quickly frustrated by my inability to achieve, and therefore having a lack of patience with the required amounts of recovery time.
The same can be said of grief.
I am sometimes impatient with myself, no matter how many times I tell other loss parents that it just takes time, I struggle to give myself time. Instead of saying
‘I am still healing so [insert situation here] could be hard.’
I berate myself with ‘Why isn’t this better yet?‘.
I hate everymoment that I take to hide in the back of the shop at work, or conveniently take a loo break when there are crying babies. Mostly now I’m okay. I can handle them at work, and in the street. I am getting better with my Sister in law and her pregnancy, but in supermarkets I want to run and hide. Public transport also. I have to sit as far away as possible.
On the tv is okay but only sometimes. Call the midwife is fine, but shows where you don’t expect it are hard. The new series of the Big Bang Theory with Bernadette and Howard’s baby I have studiously avoided. Which sucks as I love that show so much, yet now it is on the blacklist.
So yeah. I could do with a little more patience with myself and others, but I just have to take that day by day and give myself more time, as well as a little more leway sometimes.
I hold myself to higher standards than I hold others, and really I should listen to my partner more when he tells me I’m doing okay, and that we will get to that elusive ‘someday’ where this is better.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x