Massive break down

Yesterday was my Mother in Law’s birthday and there was a family meal. My now heavily pregnant Sister in law was there, and much of the talk was baby related.

I had a massive break down before. I was so scared and so panicked I genuinely thought I might vomit. I was shaking, it was hard to breath and I felt sick and dizzy.

Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my Sister in law. I find her hilarious, she’s also a massive fan of Dr.Who and we have a good old geek out whenever we meet. And I’m thrilled to be an aunt again, but I am constantly on high alert whenever she’s around. 

But being in a baby oriented conversation/ environment constantly is really hard. All I can see when I look at my SIL is where I should have been. It hurts. A lot. 

My Mother in law joked  a few days earlier that as the new human (going to be called Skye) is due this month they would be born on the 21st, the summer equinox as there is ‘more Skye’.

Luckily this was over text and was were away from anyone because I had a melt down of major proportions while walking the dog. I felt so dizzy. I wanted to scream but there wasn’t enough air. It was awful. Emmet was due the 22nd.

So the idea of sitting down to a meal with the said pregnant lady only a few days later was a minefield. 

She is due anytime this month, and every day that gets closer to Emmets due date, and every day that Skye doesn’t arrive makes me more and more on edge. 

I don’t know if Skye being born will make this better or worse, but this waiting for something to change and being constantly on egg shells all month is taking a toll. 

I hate June. I hate it. I have hated every day of this god-forsaken month. I have tried to be cheerful. I am trying to see the best in everything and be greatful. And there have been brief moments of peace but mostly I am stressed, upset, angry and grieving. I just want this all to be over. Navigating life at the moment is like trecking the Alps without a map in flipflops.

I have had it up to my ears with June and it hasn’t even been a week yet. I just want it to end. I want to skip June and pretend it doesn’t exist. 

There have been so many little things already this month that have just got it off to an awful start without everything else going on, but that is a post for another day. Just ughhh. 

And I have Shin splits (bone pain) again because of the deformation in my legs apparently, (normally runners get this. Last time I talked to a health professional they asked if I ran? Ha ha?) So I am all bandaged up. Wohoo. If my pain levels could just be kind enough to stay below a five for the next few weeks that would be great ‘cos I have exams to take! 😱

I hope everyone else is having a good month. If you are feel free to share. I need some positivity 

Love and support always, 

Surviving Miscarriage Together x 

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