At the moment I am rollercoastering about on a terraide of emotions that make me feel like I’m desperately clinging to the safety bar, but any moment I could just fly off and plummet.
I keep crying today, it just won’t stoop. It isn’t big crying. Just lots if little bouts that make you feel tired and disinterested. This morning I woke up full of motivation and determined to revise my ass off for my exam tomorrow. Then I took a break after breakfast to post a letter. Well the walk down to the pist office, through my village was a nightmarish experience. Normally I love seeing all the cute little kids in their summer uniforms walking past our street on the way to school. It’s just round the corner and about a minutes walk or so from my childhood home. I went to that primarily school, and the pre school next to it in the Rec. Centre.
However today I managed to time my errand at exactly the wrong moment. There were obviously lots of primary age kids, but also a lit of toddlers, babies, prams and pregnant women. There were hoards of grannies shepherding their small charges down the main street to the post office. I remembered taking that route myself. I did it every day from under 5’s, and pre school to year 6.
There was litteraly no escape. Parking is poor so they park down our street which can be a pain.
I thought ,thank god it’s over’, I can go home and make a cup of tea. But no. There was a woman with a pram In.My.Drive. accompanied by two small children. Now if it’s the lovely family next door and their three kids I don’t mind. God knows she has her hands full, and the kids are sweet. We all get on well and when our plumbing was on the brink they let us use their loo. It is sometimes difficult to hear their kids cry through the super thin wall that seperates our terraced house from theirs, as their youngest baby’s room butts onto mine. I moved my bed to the far side but it didn’t help much, someone sneezes next door and our hats blow off! But yeah. I like next door.
But there was just some random woman (we get pretty familiar with everyone here, so she’s new evidently, and has no concept of property or village etiquette. E.g Everyone says hello to everyone else and we all try not to ignore people or be rude ever! As someone will tell someone else at church or whatever, and before you know it you’ve got yourself a rep for beeing a moody so and so who nobody wants to help you. (And tbh we have so many powercuts, plumbing disasters on our street it really does help to get allong).
She wasn’t on the path outside our drive. She was literally in it. She had put her pram up our drive sideways and was on the phone leaning against our wall.
Her kids were rioting about chasing each other about with cut grass which was admittedly amusing. I did that a lot on that patch of grass so go for it kids
Now you know what lady. Go ahead, put your pram in my drive. I don’t care. But for christs sake, if you must please don’t block the drive. We can get a car in. You can fit a prambulator down the side.
I did wait pointedly outside the said drive she was blocking. I could not move bast her and lord knows I did NOT want to go any closser to an effing baby today. I had already had to smile at two and have the obligatory conversation with every neighbour I met on the school run. I literally just wanted to post my letter and bolt. And I’ve lived here nearly 20 years. I know a lot of people, and everyone wanted to talk today despite the windy weather.
So this woman is still on the phone in my drive. My waiting has illicited zero response. If I wanted to pass her I would have passed via the road. No one drives it much and the main traffic is neighbouring houses cars, who know to watch for walkers, and tractors as we live down a road leading to green lane and fields. So it was pretty obvious I wanted her to move, but she was in the phone to whoever and I was loathe to interupt/ upset and not in the mood for talking anymore actually.
So I had to say ‘excuse me can I get past’ and she gave me the frigging evils. Ummm excuse me much? My drive thank you. I had to ask twice. The second time stating it was our drive, to get into my own home. And then she finally moved the pram. And yeah okay, baby was asleep. I get it. She probbably thought I wanted to use the path at first and I probbably would have ignored anyone I thought who was too dumb to move to the road, but I literally just wanted to use my drive.
My legs hurt. I was walking with crutches and my legs are taped from the ankles to above my knee today. And she looked right through me the first time, ignored me totally and chatted away about, of all things, the weather etc… so I am going for the guess that it was not a life and death situation phone call.
So yeah. I was tired, cold, my legs hurt, I wanted to sit down, have a cuppa and get on with my revision. I already felt crap from witnessing the baby and kid fest going on and seriously missed Emmet, so the pram lady encounter really knocked me for a six. Also that extra standing about hurt a lot. My knees were giving out and the last thing I wanted was to fall over when I was literally right outside my house and the end goal was less that three feet away. I was the only one home, and I didn’t want to humiliate myself in front of some random woman, who’se help I would probbably have needed to get up.
But I did get inside. Finally! And I had a bit of a cry and got on with it. Then for some reason reading about the russian revolution and Bloody Sunday set me off again. Wohoo. Why were the Russian government always such shits to their population? Seriously. Don’t shoot kids. EVER. Assholes.
To add insult to injury, the wrong time of the month has decided to arrive a couple of days ago. Nearly 20 days late I had sort of assumed it would maybe skip due to stress and that was fine by me if it wanted to leave me alone, go for it. My hormones are all over the place, and of course every month is a shitty reminder that they’re gone. Made even worse by the fact that this month is Emmets due date. Not that it’s a blast any other time.
So yeah. Hormones, kids everywhere. Major stress. Exam tomorrow and inconsiderate Pram lady haven’t made this a great day. On the plus side I can vote when I have the oomph to walk to the Rec. Centre. Wohoo democracy! Got to love that, if our great great grandmothers starved thenselves and chained themselves to railings I’m sure as hell not going to vote with my feet.
And then I was literally staring out of the window doing nothing particular and eating lunch and then the tears started again.
I just can’t seem to settle down at the moment. I am all over the place right now.
Sorry for the rant x
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x