That’s what we did on Thursday and it felt amazing to celebrate the too short lives of all the babies included in the #ForeverLoved project. It healed m soul to celebrate my baby.
Some people might think I make too big a deal out of Emmets loss and his even shorter existence. They might think I should get over it. But I can’t get over it. That it you refer too is my baby. My only baby.
Who I will never get to hold or to kiss or to tell them how much I love them on earth. So no. I will not be silenced.
Some people might take offence at his even being given a name and a gender. I have seen comments on other loss mamas blogs and posts telling them to get over it. Or that they think how they deal with their loss is disgusting. I have been told I was ‘glorifying’ it by one horrendous individual. (I thought Pinterest was a place of love and acceptance and too many cupcakes, but apparently even my beloved pinterest has a fair share of ass hugging Dick cactuses.)
Although luckily I haven’t had any truely awful run ins in person so far, bar the crazy ass hardcore Christians on Pinterest who tell me it was ‘God’s Will’ that my baby died when they comment on my Babyloss Pins, or worse, those who have told me that I miscarried Emmet because of my ‘Sins’… I have been okay.
I don’t ‘glorify’ my baby dying. I don’t do it for sympathy or whatever else anyone might accuse me of. I do it because I need to have somewhere to vent. I blog to raise awareness. I use Instagram to share quotes as the format is better for that than WordPress. I have this blog linked to Tumblr. Not because I want a following to boost an ego but because I want to eaise awareness and to tell other loss parents that they are not alone. That is is okau to hurt and to cry and to grieve.
I aim not to glorify, or to gain sympathy, but to Celebrate. I aim to Celebrate the lives that were far too short. The lives that were hardly lives at all. The lives others try to dismiss.
I want to Celebrate the compassion and the love and the pure strength and stoicism of those in the babyloss community.
And I want to Celebrate having two middle fingers to wave at those who try to bellittle how we cope, and to those who would ignore the enormity of our losses.
You don’t just loose a baby, you loose the future that could have been and you spend the rest of your life thinking how it would be different.
Unless I am willing to pay thousands of pounds for donor eggs and pray for my body not to fuck me over just once in my life, I won’t have another baby. I never planned on a pregnancy to start with. I didn’t want to pass on my dodgey genetic code, and in the short time I was pregnant with Emmet I have never felt guiltier. I have always wanted to adopt, and I hate that people see it as somehow lesser to build a family through adoption.
I want to Celebrate every way people build families, Adoption, IVF, DEIVF, fostering, naturally etc… All the ways. There is no best way. Nobody wants to have to go through the torture of infirtility. Everyone wishes for a miraculously easy time with it all, but we all don’t get that.
I can get pregnant, but I can’t have healthy babies, even if they avoid the severity I have inherited and are not living in constant pain and at risk of joint deformity, constant dislocation and gastric complications, their Children, our Grandchildren might have it. I carry one of the worse gene mutations in the proteins that cause Hypermobility Syndrome and Ehler Danlos, and my partner has a milder type, as it is very very common, but unusual to cause as many problems. Inharitability is 95%. I am not dealing with those odds.
So yes. I will celebrate Emmet. I will celebrate his existence every single fay for the rest of my life, because I don’t know if, or when I will get another chance to have a child. Even when we are ready to start thinking about it and really propperly plan rather than dream.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x