Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we’ve been together so long I’m claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human.
She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like my sister in law.
I am very happy for them, unfortunately I am in Cornwall right now so it is going to be a while till I get to meet her. My partner said he couldn’t stomach going to visit, which I get. I’m not 100% sure how I’m going to take it either. Emmet has another cousin. Another cousin who he won’t meet.
I’m not pretending it isn’t kinda shit that there is a newborn in our immediate family and it’s not ours. It’s hard, but I like kids, I love the inlaws, and we’re happy for them.
It’s all just a bit of a slap in the face reminder that our baby, Skyes cousin is gone. They won’t get to play together, there will be no sleep overs like I had with my cousins, no trips to the zoo or going swimming.
Nothing. Because our baby is gone. Emmets future is in our hands, the only thing left and the only way to parent is through his memory. Loss parenting is remembering, appreciating what you had, and the love you have.
Every image I have of the future is coloured by Emmets absence, and every time we dream about the future it is without our tiny boy.
The future. Our future, what a foreign, allien land. I never imagined this in my future. Never imagined I would come out with thjngs like
I am the one in four
Never imagined having a baby, let alone a miscarriage. Certainly never imagined the constant ache of the never knowing, and never holding. I always thought the only way I would have children was by adoption, never really imagined having anyone to spend my life with.
The two dorky thirteen year olds on a camp with scouts wouldn’t have believed that we’d both be where we are today. 5 years on and it’s a different world, we’re different people, but my partner is still my best friend. I’d be lost without him, and it’s pretty much the surest future I can think of, one with him. I am marrying that man so I should hope that counts for something sure for our future.
Even if there’s that nagging part of me saying that you shouldn’t rely on people because they always leave, always go and let you down.
That nagging part is the scared little girl I fight every day to leave behind.
I want the future that I never let myself dream of. As a kid I only ever imagined myself alone, with a dog in a little house. Other girls my age said they wanted a wedding. My goal was a dog. You can rely on dogs. I never felt like you could rely on people, and it took me a long time to trust someone enough to rely on them.
And so I hope my future is our future. I hope that there is a dog or two, and a home. I hope that there will be more children, although we’re not really ready to seriously thing about going there again, whatever route we have to take to achieve a child in our arms. I hope that I can become a wife, and have a better married life than any of our parents ever achieved, and certainly a stabler home on both fronts.
But for now my immediate wish for the future is for it to get warm enough to go swiming in the outdoor pool here on the campsite (classier than my usual camping ground I know), and the possibility of baby cuddles from teeny Skye when I get home. A cup of tea would be good, and I would like to read more of the book I am reading in conjunction with my partner.
Dreams for the far away future sometimes have to take a step back for more achievable goals. Like another cup of tea, for me small goals make the far away goals feel more achievable.
I hope that the future is brighter. I hope one day my family can pull the rods out of their asses and perhaps loosen their outlook on the world so that it might accept my family and our plans. Because if they knew I was getting married in the future that would be but another ‘throwing your life away’ lecture that I would prefer to avoid. I hope that one day I have the courage to speak out about Emmet, but that won’t be today and I don’t think it will be soon. I need out if my house.
Big future goals.
- Uni- aka Out of the house!
- Home-Move in with my partner.
- Steady job.
- Get married fits in here somewhere…
- Adopt kids.
- Finaly grow our family and continue bumbling along lifes path as best as we can.
- Somewhere in the middle say ‘Oh by the way we actually had a son, thanks for listening. Would have told you sooner but you were a bit too judgy. Ta. Bye.’
This marks the end of my #MayWeAllHeal 2017 journey. Back to the normal routine I guess.
Love and Support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x