I held a baby!
My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week.
It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn’t cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a panic attack so that was progress.
Some babies kind of look like pink slugs when they’re newborn but Skye is cute. (And I’m based. She is probbably a bit pink slug-ish to other people but whatever)
I am not sharing a full on baby photo A. Because it is a trigger for a lot if people and B. Not my baby to share photos of and I don’t know what the in-laws views on that are.I haven’t held a baby since before October, I haven’t really been in a room with one if I can help it. Or the same building when possible.
Anyway… it was okay. I even enjoyed it a bit, but now I feel really nesty again. They’re so warm and hugable. Honestly her freaking feet were too cute. I am a bit proud Aunt and I’m only claiming Auntage via my partner.
Lots of my loss mama friends have got BFP’s or have had/are having their rainbow babies lately, and while I am super super glad for them. It makes me feel a bit sad as I won’t get that again. Emmet was a (big, but wonderful) surprise, and we were always planning adopt due to my health, but loosing him made me notice that bit of my heart that wasn’t quite okay with not having my own kids, and honestly I am still dealing with that.
My cardigan smelt of newborn baby. I had forgotten that they kind of scent mark everything with that baby smell. I have avoided babies for so long, and I was terrified to hold her at first, my hands had a serious case of the sweats. It threw me off a bit. I’m not going to lie. There was a baby in my arms and I was pretty much ‘Dear Sweet Lord’ing in my head on repeat while outwardly smiling for the camera being waved at me and the baby, and doing my best at not letting the internal freak out show. At one point just after the in laws arrived with Skye I did leg it upstairs and pretended to get my phone which was actualy still downstairs just on the freezer. But bar that one blip I was fine.
So I have been a bit emotional lately, especially seeing Emmets Nanny with Skye. My Partner is so good with kids and babies, it seems so fucking unfair that he won’t have his own. It makes me spit mad actually. I wanted to see him with Emmet, and watch him be a Dad.
It made me remember (again, as if I had forgotten…) just how much I want another baby. Another child. The hormonal monster has evidently been asleep lately as this reoccurence of the nestyness is a stab to the heart.
Damn. Holding babies does weird things to female hormones. I wish my body would back off a bit.
Like chill, you can’t have kids. Please stop with the hormones. I do not need baby fever right now. I need to get a degree and a job and a house and sign up to the adoption register before I even want to dare to think about babies or children again.
I can’t afford to go there right now. My emotions do not need stirring.
I also did some volunteer work with kids in the craft tent at the featival I was at last weekend. It was good. They were mostly really little (1-6 yrs or so) and so a bit younger than the kids I am used to working with, but that went well and I coped with it fine. I feel better about doing Forest School this year. I will admit that I still don’t know how constant small child exposure is going to go, but I feel more confident about it now I have successfully worked with the littlies and held a baby without a meltdown.
I just wish this ache for a baby and the emptiness I feel in my arms would lessen, I wish I was holding my own baby and not being scared to hold somebody elses. But if wishes were snowflakes I would have a blizzard, so I will go back to knitting baby socks and channel this broodiness somewhere useful.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x