Emmets Gran (EG)- Oh what are you making?
Me- Occupational Therapist told me knitting was good, I’m making a cowel scarf, trying to do this checkered pattern.
EG- Not another baby blanket then.
Me- No Skye has enough I think. Any more and you’ll have to dig her out of the blanket pile.
EG- Another woman is pregnant at work, she’s due in January.
Me- Have you signed me up for knitting baby clothes again then? (She does this to me often…)
EG- Nope she’s only 13 weeks. Personally I wouldn’t have bothered that early.
Oh. ‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’
What tell people? Why? I mean why the hell shouldn’t she? Isn’t the stupid ass rule pregnant women are supposed to stick to before telling people you’re pregnant 12 weeks anyway!?
Why the hell shouldn’t she tell people as soon as she knows. I don’t see anything good about waiting till 12 weeks. Its just a stupid rule that makes telling people about Miscarriage even harder because if people don’t know you’re pregnant in the first place then it’s harder to tell anyone you have had a loss. I know all about that.
The only thing the 12 week wait rule does is make it harder to get support, increases the isolation those who are affected by miscarriage feel, and fuels the stupid stigma that surrounds the whole thing.
Not telling people makes women (and their partners) feel like their loss is less important- and it just perpetuates the idea that the grief felt after miscarriage before 12 weeks is somehow less valid than if it was later.
It makes me angry and the whole attitude my mother took made me mad. She is so callous about it. She has told me on a number of occasions when I have talked about Skye that she doesn’t care for babies and thinks they’re ugly. Nor apparently does she care for anyone being pregnant. She refuses to even glance at photos I have, when clearly this is something I care about.
‘I wouldn’t have bothered’
It keeps ringing around my head and it makes me feel sick. There are moments when I think I can reach out to her and tell her, and then something like this happens.
Every time I build up the confidence to speak out to my family it is shattered by something they say.
I don’t want to portray them as monsters. They aren’t, they are good people, I just so often feel like I am stifled and restricted by their opinions and expectations.
I can’t be who they expect. So often someone in my family says something stupid like ‘Oh I can’t imagine being a grandparent at this age. It’s a good thing Zoë’s sensible.’
I am sensible. That has no bearing whatsoever on the fact that I was pregnant. We were and are sensible.
Take your stuffy 1950‘s opinions and STICK them right UP!
Or my personal favourite remark ‘All that shagging you do, it’s a good thing you aren’t pregnant or (partners name) would be stuck working in that Garden Centre for the rest of his life rather than going to University’
A. It’s my body.
B. It’s none of your business what I do.
C. It’s also nobody elses buisness how much sex I have. Or if I don’t have any at all.
D. We are both adults. We both have our own lives.
E. So what if he does you bunch of snobs. He won’t. But so what if he did.
At least it’s better than ‘Well I don’t care about your relationship with (partner name) so long as it doesn’t stop you from going to University.’
Thank you for your imense support and understanding. I am sooo glad that you care about what is happening my life.
All I hear is ‘oh you’re still with him’.
‘What do you think you’re going to do at University?’
‘I didn’t expect it to last past 6th form, I don’t have high hopes for University. You meet so many different people there.’
‘Aren’t you bored with him yet.’
‘Don’t you think you’re wasting your youth. Sticking with one man’
Err. The correct response is: ‘Oh you’re still happy with your partner of the last 5 years, that’s good. We love that you are in such a safe and supportive relationship. It’s great that you have found someone who makes you happy.’
They switch from one extreme to another. From that I should be going about having lots of boyfriends and have a free and easy youth, to seemingly being horrified by the idea of me being old enough to have a boyfriend, let alone a sex life, and god forbid that I should have a baby’.
Their utter lack of support on some things leaves me out in the cold. My mother hates the fact that I am with my partner, it isn’t that she hates him, they get on fine. She cares about how he is and how his family is. She invites him round and he stays with us when he needs too. It’s the idea of him she hates. The idea that somehow our relationship would hold me back.
She will not see all of the ways in which he supports and helps me.
I am an adult. I am in a committed relationship with the man I am going to marry. I have been with him for more than 5 years and I’ll tell you now we have stuck together through Hell and back in the last year.
Not that they’d know any of that because their heads are so far up their arses that they won’t hear what I try to tell them through their own opinions.
My mother cares so much about some things, there are a lot of people who she looks after, we have an open house to any of my friends.
I worry sometimes I am unkind about them, portraying them poorly and I feel like a rat. And then I hear something like this and it makes me so angry but I can’t say anything and I have to just stamp it down, swallow my anger and pretend like nothing is wrong.
‘I wouldn’t have bothered’…