Cafe days and finding E’s

I love the display in this cafe window on the high street where my sister lives. I liked the lettering and took pictures of the E’s.

Should have done the other letters that are in his name, it could be good to try to find all of them in different places to make up name collages.

Basically I am shoving my overwhelming need to parent into crying, working with children (often followed by more crying or anger at the world, or both), making things, writing/blogging and taking photographs.

I am a mumsy person. I got called ‘Mum’ the whole way through highschool by various mates as a bit of a mickey take. One of my best friends calls me the broodiest person she knows (not denying it).

My short pregnancy was filled with fear yes, but also I wanted to protect them, even if that meant not continuing with the pregnancy. A path I decided I couldn’t take. I just couldn’t do it, although that choice did not change the outcome, or my fear. I chose ‘them’ (Emmet was a ‘them’ then), and I still didn’t get to carry and bring home a baby of my own. I have seen a lot of posts about motherhood and guilt going hand in hand, and I think that with being a loss mum that guilt is exagerated. Rationally I know that considering a medical termination of my pregnancy did not mean I did not deserve to be pregnant, or that I did not love the life that was growing inside me.

Thinking it may be better that they were not born only to have a high chance of illness did not cause me to miscarry. I only considered it because the idea of Emmet growing up in constant pain was the very reason I swore I would never be pregnant in the first place. Yet there I was, facing what I thought I would never have to face, and left with with two impossible choices. Emmet’s too short time on this planet made me experience however briefly pregnancy, which I never imagined I would. It also made me see how much love I have for a child, and just how much being a mum actually means. But also I know how much I lack motherhood in all the tangible everyday ways.

I am not muddling through a world with my baby in it, but a life continued without.

So I am going to keep on collecting E’s

Love and support always,

Surviving Miscarriage Together x

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