Strange days

I miss Emmet so much.

I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn’t be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn’t the same as the ‘I would have had a baby at this age’ and ‘we would be doing such and such’ thoughts.

They don’t plague me as much as they used too. Just now I am surrounded by things that would never have happened if Emmet was on earth with me today. I wouldn’t not be moving out next month to go to university. I would not be dreading October, and I expect that my Partner and I would still be bobbing along in the happy little bubble we were in for over 4 years. As it is things have not turned out the way we planned.

Things have been rocky lately. It seems so stupid. What we argue about. Or what I argue about. Communication is difficult.

We have both become parents. Just not in the way we ever imagined. Nobody wants to be a loss parent.

How the hell are you supposed to live life normally after loss. I often have so many things to say to others, but none to myself. I can give out help, yet acknowledged the irony that I too have no clue what I am doing right now.

We clung together for months and have been the stronger for it. It is only now that I am less absorbed in my grief, when I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, that my personal life feels like it too is now taking the blows the past year had rained on our heads.

I hate to argue. Hate to fall out over anything and yet I find myself angry and confrontational. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to lash out at those I love, I just don’t want to be hurt by letting people in and then feeling everything fall apart again.

I am scared, terrified, that October will come, I will be away from everything and everyone I currently call home, and that this won’t be better.

It seems so stupid. Falling out over a holiday. But it isn’t a holiday that is causing the issue. Not really. There are so many things that are just piling up around us making everything feel wrong.

We will get there, and we will get there together. I just wish I knew where there was.

We have this joke that there is so elusive that it must be where the unicorns live.

I hope everybody else is ‘getting there’ too.

Love and support always,

Surviving Miscarriage Together x

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