Life is what it is

I grew up knowing a few people my own age who were in Foster homes or had a permanent care home place, and not placed with a family for adoption for whatever reasons. So by the time we all reached high school age and beyond they had spent pretty much all of their lives either between homes or with no chance of being in one. Mine was and is far from perfect, and I want to give them a better life than the one I expected growing up. I want them to feel happy and secure and like they can actually talk to their parents. I don’t want them such between two waring parties, or feel like they can’t speak up when they’re being hurt.

If I can change just one life, to give just one kid a better home that will be enough. By the time I was able to speak out about my stepmothers abuse, I was too old for anyone to have changed anything that had happened, and I didn’t live with her or my biological father. I lived with my mother. We visited every other weekend and it had and still had a profound impact on my life, how I view the world and the actions of others.

I will never tell my children to keep secrets that hurt them or not step in when someone hurts them. They will never be made to feel guilty for someone else’s actions, or to feel like they should protect their parent at the sake of themselves. They will not be made to feel ashamed, or blame themselves for the pathetic cruelty of someone else.

Nobody will be my priority over them. I will protect them and not the other way around.

Love doesn’t cost money, but I still want to do my best by trying my hardest to better myself and not follow my parents choices. I love my parents, but, with my biological father especially the relationship we have has a permanent strain.

I will not raise quiet children who just accept their lot. I want to teach them that they deserve to be loved, they deserve to be safe, and that they deserve to never ever have to go back, like I kept going back. I will try my best to ensure that they are safe, happy and that they know love at all times.

It makes me frustrated that there isn’t more I can do about it right now. But then I remind myself that I am getting a degree so that I can do the best job to the best of my ability, to provide the life I feel they deserve. And so for every time I wonder ‘why am I even here’ I remind myself that I am doing this for them, and the future I hope for, not just for me.

I am passionate about and love my course, which is lucky, and I feel I should be more grateful. Yet I would give it up in a heartbeat if I could trade this life for the one I once believed I would have. The one where instead of sitting in my flat, at the uni of my dreams I am in a different flat, and there is baby stuff everywhere.

I try not to think about it or dwell to hard on the could have beens, but sometimes I look at where I am and it seems unreal.

This isn’t where I thought I would be now. Two pregnancies but no living child to show for it.

Baby things bought and left unworn and unused in boxes until they could be used again and still might never be.

Every time I give in to some family member saying I should go on Facebook to see this that or the other, and see my high school friends with babies and bumps, and I remember why I only use messenger. A girl I knew from high school got pregnant late last year and is all about the bump updates. And I am so happy for her, but also I hate her just a little bit because she has what I wish I could. I feel it’s mean to unfriend her, or to block her when I try to avoid Facebook at all costs, and actually I have genuinely always liked her. But I have a certain self destructive curiosity that means I click on her posts to see how she is doing and immediately regret it. I feel bad because I don’t talk to her anymore, and for a while we ended up at the same uni before she decided it wasn’t her thing and she came round for tea once.

She’s a single mum to be, with a supportive co-parent, and I have a fiancé, a small business and am working on my degree. But I don’t have the ability to safety nurture and carry a child in my womb like she does. We are very different, and truth be told I don’t really want her life, just her choices. The choice to just go for it. To decide uni isn’t for her, she did try it, and that actually what she wants is to start a family.

Good on her. She’s fit and healthy, and can work and manage it all together. Her parents are thrilled to be grandparents and she seems genuinely happy and excited.

When I was pregnant I was terrified, and now I’m not sure which is more scary. Being pregnant or not ever being pregnant again?

I never got to the stage of announcements to family and friends, much less putting anything on Facebook.

Being pregnant with Emmet I was scared, unsure and hopeful, but never got to be secure enough to enjoy it in my state of shock. With Réalta I didn’t know I was pregnant until I lost her, and honestly if I hadn’t already have had one miscarriage before I doubt I ever would have gone to the doctor because it didn’t feel right, I would have just shrugged it off as a weird cycle and never have seen that little line that was too faint for me to even hope.

I didn’t let myself imagine with Réa, I wasn’t even sure if there was anything to imagine or if I was just getting my hopes up/scaring myself for no reason. And if anyone has been reading for a while you’ll know I effectively blocked it out because I couldn’t deal with it at all.

Therapy helps I guess. It’s bloody hard, it sure as hell isn’t weak to see someone if you are struggling. Starting therapy is one of the scariest things I have done, which sounds silly, but it’s been worth it. I am trying to learn to sort through what I feel a bit, and to process and accept what I am feeling, rather than block it out.

Talking to family about it is still not a subject I have breached. Living away from where I grew up is hard, but also I would say the right choice. I miss my partner endlessly and it is so weird not just to pop round in the evenings, but I do actually enjoy the experience of living on my own. And I am glad, if I had stayed in Norfolk for Uni I would have gone from living with my parents to going straight to living with my partner and not have had the experience of living on my own.

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