I have been pretty absent lately and even abandoned my 5 happy things because I didn’t feel up to facing what was going on in my head, which was silly as actually I found it a very helpful coping mechanism.
In fact, blogging in general is a helpful coping mechanism. As is the community of loss Mums and Dads I connect to on Instagram, but I stuck my head in the sand most of December and focused my efforts on my health, therapy and survival because lately I have been through a rough patch health wise and we’re back to doing the hospital slog, although I have a proper diagnosis of dissasosiative Non Epileptic Attack Disorder now for my seizures so that is something.
Therapy has been really beneficial and honestly I wish it had been available to me ten years ago, because until living on my own in a new environment with a lot of lifestyle changes, I hadn’t quite realised how much emotional baggage I was lugging about. My childhood experiences, as well as the more recent events that led me to seek help in the first place have impacted me more than I care to think about if I’m honest.
I haven’t really been very present in my own life, let alone present enough take the time to consider what I’m feeling and write about it, but nonetheless I am hopefully back for good this time. Having taken a bit of an unplanned hiatus I know better what works and what doesn’t.
I wasn’t doing well with nearly everyone I talked when I first started on the shitty baby loss journey, (made only less shitty buy the people I have met walking it along side of me) all seeming to get their rainbow, or at least actively trying, and two losses in and an uncertainty about my hEDS diagnosis – and the impact of my genetics on even carrying a baby, I don’t think having biological children will ever happen to me.
I want to adopt, but unless my health improves I am terrified that I won’t be capable of caring for a child. Genuinely terrified. Really it is an irrational fear because it’s not like I would be going in alone, but none the less I worry about it a lot.
I have an amazingly supportive partner, who has just the biggest heart I have ever encountered, who is already an amazing father to Emmet and Réalta. I want more than anything to be able to watch him be able to parent a living child of our own. We’re a team and it’s probably not going to be a one works one does childcare scenario, but I still have this nagging though let in the back of my head that I don’t deserve to have a child. That for some reason the losses feels like a punishment for a crime I don’t remember committing.
I sometimes feel like I am trapping him with my crap pile of genetics and the grief it has caused. Although I have no control over either my genetics or health issues I still worry about it. I feel directly responsible despite my rational brain telling me it’s not true. I don’t know if it’s survivors guilt, mum guilt amplified or what, but I feel awful for not having the choice to switch places. I still hate the universe for taking them and not me,it doesn’t feel right. I have always believed that parents should do the best they can to protect their children, that’s what I have always wanted to do. So when there was no choice. No way of making it better or of saving them, I am left with guilt and what if’s.
On Thursday I bought the first thing for our future in a very long time. I bought a little girls summer dress ages 12-18 months because I won a Next gift card and I don’t really buy anything for myself from Next now I don’t wear suits and blouses every day.
Next have super cute kids clothes though, so I bought my nieces a couple of things and a little ‘for the future’ dress with sunflowers, toadstools and jungle animals in. It sounds like a silly mix but trust me it works and it is the Cutest dress I have seen in my life. I don’t know if it will get used by our future kids as we might end up with older children. We’re nowhere near that stage yet, but it seems good to hope.
I bought it because I am trying to be hopeful, and when we are in a position to adopt after we complete Uni and can provide a better life. We are open to adopting older kids, not just babies, because everyone wants babies and I feel that I would prefer to give a child a chance; when they might not have many left.
Right now my prayers are full of hope, for my health to improve, to finish my degree. To finally start a family we can hold in our arms and not only in our hearts.
I want to cling to this hope because I am scared it will disappear and I will be thrown back into the mire of uncertainty.