Sea mist and biscuits

Hello, I haven't been active on this blog for months really. Life is moving in and over time my grief is changing. No less keen or strong, but more rounded now, less sharp and more weathered. I think of my grief like sea glass, it isn't worn away, but the sharpest edges are blunted and … Continue reading Sea mist and biscuits

Absolutely nothing at all

I don't feel sad today, I don't feel angry. I am neither happy, nor content, nor anything. Right now I feel absolutely nothing. I don't feel any emotion at all, last year I cried a lot. I don't feel like crying at all right now. I miss him, I always miss my babies, but today … Continue reading Absolutely nothing at all

1 year and 11 months.

Dear Emmet, It's been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me. I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick … Continue reading 1 year and 11 months.

The Frenemy

The Frenemy. Mine is Facebook, I use the messanger app nearly every day to keep up with friends and family, but I can't think of the last time I actually went on Facebook unless it was just to untag myself from the random crap my Bio dad calls to my attention. I like unicorn stuff, … Continue reading The Frenemy

Let’s talk mental health – Dissassosiation

I know I've been pretty sporadic in my posting, both here and on the 'gram, but I have been filling my days with as much as possible and not stopping because the sadness if waiting if I stop and until now I haven't really felt like facing it. I saw my niece of Tuesday, she's … Continue reading Let’s talk mental health – Dissassosiation

22 letters to you. Letter 16, Dear Réa 🌠

Hello sweetheart, I tried to write you a letter a day in March, so on the 22nd March you would have 22 letters before your due date. I didn't manage to do that and felt like a bit of a failure for not managing to meet my own goal for you, but my motherhood is … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 16, Dear Réa 🌠

5 happy things 20.05.2018

I haven't blogged in a while but here goes. 1. The sunny weather is lovely. 2. I planted sunflowers, a dwarf variety for cut flowers and a tall verity. 3. I have begun packing for our holiday in Italy and its very exciting! 4. I used a lush bath bomb last night and it was … Continue reading 5 happy things 20.05.2018

Exciting announcement ahead!

I have an exciting announcement! 💍 I am over the moon too now be engaged to marry my best friend, father of our two babies and the love of my life. Saturday 21st April 2018, 6 years since we started going out as dorky teenagers, and after nearly 10 years of knowing and annoying one … Continue reading Exciting announcement ahead!

22 letters to you. Letter 15. A bit late…

Dear Réa, Today's letter is a 'bit late' as it is the 17th... I have been trying to keep very busy and not let myself wallow in my grief. I know sometimes it is good to let yourself just sit and experience grief, but also, sometimes it has to take a back seat. I've been … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 15. A bit late…

22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.

Dear Réalta, Today was a good day. I was woken up at 6.10am by the fire alarm, it was a drill, but I had to evacuate in my pyjamas and it was not fun and very cold. Bar that drama and a very abrupt start to my day, everything has been nice. I visited a … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.

22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.

Dear Réa, It is 9 days now until what would have been your due date. In some ways yours is easier than Emmets, as I was pregnant so briefly there was little time to imagine bringing you home. I knew you were already leaving our lives. The packs I am putting together to donate in … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa, Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that. I spent a lot … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

22 letters to you, day 12. Shodo and Hiragana

Dear Réa, Today I went to a Japanese Calligraphy class with my friends, it was spontaneous, well as spontaneous as I get, meaning I had a good 5 or so hours notice, and re-did my hair before we went out. I wasn't expecting to go out, but I think it was good for me not … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 12. Shodo and Hiragana

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mothers Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa,Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that.I spent a lot of my … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mothers Day.

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa,Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that.I spent a lot of my … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

22 letters to you, day 10. Hello my love

10.03.18 Hello my love, Today I slept a lot, and by a lot I mean today practically didn't exist I slept so long, but I feel better for it. I often don't sleep well, and sometimes my noisy brain keeps me awake at night. I miss you in times like those where my body aches … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 10. Hello my love

22 letters to you. Letter 9. Dear Réa,

Dear Réa, Today was nothing particularly spectacular, I had a seizure yesterday. My flatmates called the ambulance but the paramedics didn't stick me so I avoided A&E. I was glad about that, today I had bad light sensitivity so I stayed indoors all morning. I should definitely get prescription sunglasses. I was squinting at the … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 9. Dear Réa,

22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

22 letters to you. A love letter to those who gave me the title ‘mother’ Letter 7.

Dear Réalta, I feel as if I should write to Emmet too, but these are your letters, and I have written him hundreds of his own. I put aside these 22 letters. One for each day in March leading up to what should have been your due date. For a long time I didn't know … Continue reading 22 letters to you. A love letter to those who gave me the title ‘mother’ Letter 7.

22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.

05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.