22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.

Dear Réalta, Today was a good day. I was woken up at 6.10am by the fire alarm, it was a drill, but I had to evacuate in my pyjamas and it was not fun and very cold. Bar that drama and a very abrupt start to my day, everything has been nice. I visited a … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.

22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.

Dear Réa, It is 9 days now until what would have been your due date. In some ways yours is easier than Emmets, as I was pregnant so briefly there was little time to imagine bringing you home. I knew you were already leaving our lives. The packs I am putting together to donate in … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.

22 letters to you, day 12. Shodo and Hiragana

Dear Réa, Today I went to a Japanese Calligraphy class with my friends, it was spontaneous, well as spontaneous as I get, meaning I had a good 5 or so hours notice, and re-did my hair before we went out. I wasn't expecting to go out, but I think it was good for me not … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 12. Shodo and Hiragana

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa, Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that. I spent a lot … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa,Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that.I spent a lot of my … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

Dear Emmet and Réa,Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that.I spent a lot of my … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.

22 letters to you, day 10. Hello my love

10.03.18 Hello my love, Today I slept a lot, and by a lot I mean today practically didn't exist I slept so long, but I feel better for it. I often don't sleep well, and sometimes my noisy brain keeps me awake at night. I miss you in times like those where my body aches … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 10. Hello my love

22 letters to you. Letter 9. Dear Réa,

Dear Réa, Today was nothing particularly spectacular, I had a seizure yesterday. My flatmates called the ambulance but the paramedics didn't stick me so I avoided A&E. I was glad about that, today I had bad light sensitivity so I stayed indoors all morning. I should definitely get prescription sunglasses. I was squinting at the … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 9. Dear Réa,

22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

22 letters to you. A love letter to those who gave me the title ‘mother’ Letter 7.

Dear Réalta, I feel as if I should write to Emmet too, but these are your letters, and I have written him hundreds of his own. I put aside these 22 letters. One for each day in March leading up to what should have been your due date. For a long time I didn't know … Continue reading 22 letters to you. A love letter to those who gave me the title ‘mother’ Letter 7.

22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.

05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.

5 Happy Things 4.03.18

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day, like fluffy shoes and chicken nuggets. My 5 happy things for this week have been: 1. Due to the snow days I have spent a lot of time with friends as we're all stuck on campus to gather and it's been nice to be so social. … Continue reading 5 Happy Things 4.03.18

22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.

4.03.18 Dear Réa, Today I wore my brightest yellow jumper because I was tired of wearing dark colours all the time, and the weather is so grey. Even if I feel rubbish bright colours make me feel cheerful, and wearing my sunshine jumper was the boost I needed to get me out of bed today. … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.

22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta

3.03.18 Dear Réalta, Yesterday I felt as if I was coping much better, but I was very glad that the snow meant everything I had organised to do was cancelled so I didn't have to leave the house unless I chose too. My new wheelchair came unexpectedly today and I am hoping it will make … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta

22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.

22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.

22 letters to you. Letter One. Dear Réalta..

Dear Réa, Today marks the first day of march. I have been dreading this month. I wish this was the month we got to meet you. To bring you home. I heard on the Radio Lincoln County Hospital, sent out a request for donations for the Chapel of Rest. They want to be able to … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter One. Dear Réalta..

Becoming accustomed to grief.

I am becoming almost accustomed to grief now, and if anything that is more terrifying than when it was all consuming. How can something like this become my everyday? How this is the reality we face is beyond my comprehension. If someone told me I would have two miscarriages, start university, and move house in … Continue reading Becoming accustomed to grief.

Green leaves

Green I can't really say why but green has become 'Emmets' colour, and Réaltas is blue. But it has. Enclosed leafy spaces where the light shines through and everywhere is green and bright remind me of Emmet, and big blue skies and starry nights make me feel closer to Reá. I like forests and groves … Continue reading Green leaves

Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing

I see little things like this picture and I just suddenly realise how much I ache with missing Emmet. I want a little boy in my arms to look at this and smile and think off. I miss both my babies but it's hardest knowing that Emmet should be here in my arms right now. … Continue reading Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing

Life is what it is

I grew up knowing a few people my own age who were in Foster homes or had a permanent care home place, and not placed with a family for adoption for whatever reasons. So by the time we all reached high school age and beyond they had spent pretty much all of their lives either … Continue reading Life is what it is