22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing

I see little things like this picture and I just suddenly realise how much I ache with missing Emmet. I want a little boy in my arms to look at this and smile and think off. I miss both my babies but it's hardest knowing that Emmet should be here in my arms right now. … Continue reading Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing

Just let me bring one home

Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has … Continue reading Just let me bring one home

Absence

I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. … Continue reading Absence

To which camp do I belong? 

So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... … Continue reading To which camp do I belong? 

I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)

I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week.  It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a … Continue reading I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)

Day 31. Future #MWAH2017

Future. Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we've been together so long I'm claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human. She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like … Continue reading Day 31. Future #MWAH2017

Day 29. Light #MWAH2017

Light. I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out.  Sometimes you need light … Continue reading Day 29. Light #MWAH2017

Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Soothe. Lots of things soothe me. Hugs from my partner, phone calls when you just need to hear someones voice. Post cards from my Grandma, always with serene photographs, the same loopy handwriting we struggle to decode, the same message of love and thoughtfulness in every immaculately straight line of print. Hearing birds sing outside, … Continue reading Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Day 15. Tears #MWAH2017

This one seems pretty apt today, I did plenty of crying yesterday, and my fair share today too.

Day 12. Wound #MWAH2017

Today's prompt is wound. Some days it does feel like I'm wounded. Other days now I feel better. Slowly I am recovering and more able to take each day as it comes.

Scared to be there again

I spend my life now terrified. I'm scared of loosing another, scared of loving another. I'm scared because I know there is no right choice if I were to manage to carry a pregnancy to term.  Have a child that you know has a high chance of chronic illness or have an abortion. It's an … Continue reading Scared to be there again

Limbo land

Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to … Continue reading Limbo land