1 year and 11 months.

Dear Emmet, It's been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me. I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick … Continue reading 1 year and 11 months.

The Frenemy

The Frenemy. Mine is Facebook, I use the messanger app nearly every day to keep up with friends and family, but I can't think of the last time I actually went on Facebook unless it was just to untag myself from the random crap my Bio dad calls to my attention. I like unicorn stuff, … Continue reading The Frenemy

Let’s talk mental health – Dissassosiation

I know I've been pretty sporadic in my posting, both here and on the 'gram, but I have been filling my days with as much as possible and not stopping because the sadness if waiting if I stop and until now I haven't really felt like facing it. I saw my niece of Tuesday, she's … Continue reading Let’s talk mental health – Dissassosiation

22 letters to you. Letter 16, Dear Réa 🌠

Hello sweetheart, I tried to write you a letter a day in March, so on the 22nd March you would have 22 letters before your due date. I didn't manage to do that and felt like a bit of a failure for not managing to meet my own goal for you, but my motherhood is … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 16, Dear Réa 🌠

22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Green leaves

Green I can't really say why but green has become 'Emmets' colour, and Réaltas is blue. But it has. Enclosed leafy spaces where the light shines through and everywhere is green and bright remind me of Emmet, and big blue skies and starry nights make me feel closer to Reá. I like forests and groves … Continue reading Green leaves

5 happy things 19.11.17

My 5 happy things this week have been: 1. My exo-skeletal hip brace came a month early and omg it is amazing. I walked the dogs down the lane (with my parents for the weekend under observation as my meds are changed just in case,) extra dog, cat and bird snuggles have been great. I … Continue reading 5 happy things 19.11.17

Tonight

Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so … Continue reading Tonight

Strange days

I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just … Continue reading Strange days

Gift Wrap

I have had a great time in Bath this weekend, but despite that there were a few moments today where I was the #crazywoman crying in the street. The lowdown is this. Birthday cards. I saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland cards and went in, my bestie loves all things Alice and so I … Continue reading Gift Wrap

Can I take a nap through October?

In a perfect world, I would have a one month 6 day old newborn in my arms and keeping me up all night. I would not even be thinking about a first birthday yet. Instead I am alert to the fact that although October might seem still some distance off, it is getting ever closer … Continue reading Can I take a nap through October?

Absence

I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. … Continue reading Absence

Too many moments

(I wrote this 4 days ago and I was really struggling. Today is fine but I had just had one of those days where the grief hit like a wave. ***Trigger warning. It may get a bit TMI in regards to miscarriage.*** It's a pretty good insight into what goes on inside my head on … Continue reading Too many moments

‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’ -Emmets Gran

Emmets Gran (EG)- Oh what are you making? Me- Occupational Therapist told me knitting was good, I'm making a cowel scarf, trying to do this checkered pattern. EG- Not another baby blanket then. Me- No Skye has enough I think. Any more and you'll have to dig her out of the blanket pile. EG- Another … Continue reading ‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’ -Emmets Gran

To which camp do I belong? 

So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... … Continue reading To which camp do I belong? 

Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Soothe. Lots of things soothe me. Hugs from my partner, phone calls when you just need to hear someones voice. Post cards from my Grandma, always with serene photographs, the same loopy handwriting we struggle to decode, the same message of love and thoughtfulness in every immaculately straight line of print. Hearing birds sing outside, … Continue reading Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?

Not doing great today. It's been 8 months and 4 days. 247 days since we lost Emmet. Mostly I am okay now. I cope fairly well, but today I put aside as a rest day, and I got left alone with my thoughts a little too long perhaps. Also remembered why I stopped watching live … Continue reading Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?

What to do when your friend looses a baby.

A wonderful and informative article from Limdsey from 'a pinch of yum'. Hi, my name is Lindsay. Mother’s Day is coming up and I’m thinking about this a lot because I am that friend. The one who lost a baby. I am probably the friend who you’re tiptoeing around. I might be the friend who has become a major … Continue reading What to do when your friend looses a baby.

Fisrst day of the week we never wanted to come.

Monday. Monday the 19th June, in three days I thought we would be meeting our baby.  Instead my partner and I are in survival mode.  I asked him if he was okay and he said no. Obviously I then felt like a total dumbass for asking. Of course he's not. I'm not. The world is not … Continue reading Fisrst day of the week we never wanted to come.

Day 15. Tears #MWAH2017

This one seems pretty apt today, I did plenty of crying yesterday, and my fair share today too.