Dear Emmet, It's been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me. I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick … Continue reading 1 year and 11 months.
#22daysofhope Day two: Who I am. I am Zoe. I am Emmets Mum, I have had one first trimester miscarriage (Emmet 22.10.16) and one Chemical pregnancy in the Summer of 2017. I have genetic based indirect infirtility. I want to adopt in the future, and getting my degree is an important step and one I … Continue reading Who I am. 22 Days of Hope 2
Many of the loss mums I first connected to following the loss of Emmet, are, now nearly a year later, pregnant again or anticipating the arrival of a rainbow baby, or are holding one in their arms already. Others have experienced another loss or losses. Only one other loss mum who I have got to … Continue reading Spectating room only
I have had a great time in Bath this weekend, but despite that there were a few moments today where I was the #crazywoman crying in the street. The lowdown is this. Birthday cards. I saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland cards and went in, my bestie loves all things Alice and so I … Continue reading Gift Wrap
I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week. It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a … Continue reading I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
Future. Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we've been together so long I'm claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human. She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like … Continue reading Day 31. Future #MWAH2017
Not doing great today. It's been 8 months and 4 days. 247 days since we lost Emmet. Mostly I am okay now. I cope fairly well, but today I put aside as a rest day, and I got left alone with my thoughts a little too long perhaps. Also remembered why I stopped watching live … Continue reading Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?
Yesterday my Partner and I had a long emotional talk. This week is a shit storm already. Whoop de do, we both have exams and our lost baby would be due. Great... Yesterday I asked my Partner if it was totally stupid that I think of he and Emmet as my boys. Even though we could never know their gender. Turns out he thinks pretty the same way I do about them and so I was Happy/Sad crying half the night. He thinks of them as a tiny boy playing in the living room with plastic dinosaurs.
If you're getting tired of my using song lyric puns for post titles sorry not sorry... It makes me laugh. My sense of humour is dogey and always has been. Bad jokes make me giggle, such as: Q. What do you call a laughing piano? A. A Yamaha-ha... I know. Terrible. Point is I find … Continue reading Things can only get better
I spend my life now terrified. I'm scared of loosing another, scared of loving another. I'm scared because I know there is no right choice if I were to manage to carry a pregnancy to term. Have a child that you know has a high chance of chronic illness or have an abortion. It's an … Continue reading Scared to be there again
Article written by fellow blogger theparadoxmummy in regards to the Rainbow baby troupe for those of us without one.
I've chosen to put my name on this blog for the first time. Why? Because it's mine. Because I want my mark on it. Because I will not be ashamed.
It's here again. That 1 day a month where it feels like I've been gutted and I'm just a walking shell. It has been 4 months since we lost Emmet on the 22nd. Every month I think 'maybe this day will get better' and every moth this day feels exactly the same. Every month is … Continue reading It’s here again
Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to … Continue reading Limbo land
Then 'New Human' in the family is a girl and the in laws are calling her Skye. This makes me happy, being able to buy baby clothes with happy thoughts makes me feel like a ton of bricks has come off my chest after the grief of last week/ the last 3+ months. I spent … Continue reading Five happy things 4
Today I found out that my 'sister in law' (sorta. We'll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye. When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so … Continue reading Look up to the Skye and see…
My partners brother (henceforth termed brother in law) and his partner are having a baby. People on my side of the family keep teasing me about knitting baby shoes when we gather to watch tv on a sunday with the whole clan together. 'Ohh are you expecting' 'Look someone's broody' 'It'll be your turn soon' … Continue reading Piss off I’m just an auntie
I am doing my best at focusing on being grateful for what I have, and the chances and choices I have, rather than those which I don't. I know it's not an option for us for ten plus years yet, (i.e. after the necesary goals of or a job and a house have all been … Continue reading The future, maybe?
Mostly I just want to be a mother. A mother with a living, breathing, hold your hand as you cross the street child. I now have a 20% chance of re-occurring miscarriage due to losing my first pregnancy. Added to that the 13% increace that is associated with severe joint hypermobility syndrome we're looking at 33%. … Continue reading Ode to health based infirtility
I don't really feel very hopeful at the moment. Actually all I feel is empty and numb and sad. I sometimes feel a bit disassociated with my life. Like there is now way this is happening. Time is not moving on, I can't keep up with it. I feel just a bit 'outside' all the … Continue reading Hopeful?