I see little things like this picture and I just suddenly realise how much I ache with missing Emmet. I want a little boy in my arms to look at this and smile and think off. I miss both my babies but it's hardest knowing that Emmet should be here in my arms right now. … Continue reading Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing
My 5 happy things this week have been: 1. My exo-skeletal hip brace came a month early and omg it is amazing. I walked the dogs down the lane (with my parents for the weekend under observation as my meds are changed just in case,) extra dog, cat and bird snuggles have been great. I … Continue reading 5 happy things 19.11.17
My five happy things for this week are: 1. Dog cuddles. I was at my parents house and while I struggled a bit with my family and 💯 remember why I moved out in the first place it was good to see the pets. 2. I went on a date with my partner for the … Continue reading 5 Happy things 5.11.17
#22daysofhope Day two: Who I am. I am Zoe. I am Emmets Mum, I have had one first trimester miscarriage (Emmet 22.10.16) and one Chemical pregnancy in the Summer of 2017. I have genetic based indirect infirtility. I want to adopt in the future, and getting my degree is an important step and one I … Continue reading Who I am. 22 Days of Hope 2
Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so … Continue reading Tonight
Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has … Continue reading Just let me bring one home
Many of the loss mums I first connected to following the loss of Emmet, are, now nearly a year later, pregnant again or anticipating the arrival of a rainbow baby, or are holding one in their arms already. Others have experienced another loss or losses. Only one other loss mum who I have got to … Continue reading Spectating room only
I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.
I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. … Continue reading Absence
So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... … Continue reading To which camp do I belong?
I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week. It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a … Continue reading I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
Soothe. Lots of things soothe me. Hugs from my partner, phone calls when you just need to hear someones voice. Post cards from my Grandma, always with serene photographs, the same loopy handwriting we struggle to decode, the same message of love and thoughtfulness in every immaculately straight line of print. Hearing birds sing outside, … Continue reading Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017
Yesterday my Partner and I had a long emotional talk. This week is a shit storm already. Whoop de do, we both have exams and our lost baby would be due. Great... Yesterday I asked my Partner if it was totally stupid that I think of he and Emmet as my boys. Even though we could never know their gender. Turns out he thinks pretty the same way I do about them and so I was Happy/Sad crying half the night. He thinks of them as a tiny boy playing in the living room with plastic dinosaurs.
This one seems pretty apt today, I did plenty of crying yesterday, and my fair share today too.
Today's prompt is wound. Some days it does feel like I'm wounded. Other days now I feel better. Slowly I am recovering and more able to take each day as it comes.
Our story has been featured on Tommy's website, a charity helping people dealing with babyloss.
Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to … Continue reading Limbo land
Then 'New Human' in the family is a girl and the in laws are calling her Skye. This makes me happy, being able to buy baby clothes with happy thoughts makes me feel like a ton of bricks has come off my chest after the grief of last week/ the last 3+ months. I spent … Continue reading Five happy things 4
Today I found out that my 'sister in law' (sorta. We'll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye. When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so … Continue reading Look up to the Skye and see…