Hello, I haven't been active on this blog for months really. Life is moving in and over time my grief is changing. No less keen or strong, but more rounded now, less sharp and more weathered. I think of my grief like sea glass, it isn't worn away, but the sharpest edges are blunted and … Continue reading Sea mist and biscuits
The Frenemy. Mine is Facebook, I use the messanger app nearly every day to keep up with friends and family, but I can't think of the last time I actually went on Facebook unless it was just to untag myself from the random crap my Bio dad calls to my attention. I like unicorn stuff, … Continue reading The Frenemy
I know I've been pretty sporadic in my posting, both here and on the 'gram, but I have been filling my days with as much as possible and not stopping because the sadness if waiting if I stop and until now I haven't really felt like facing it. I saw my niece of Tuesday, she's … Continue reading Let’s talk mental health – Dissassosiation
I haven't blogged in a while but here goes. 1. The sunny weather is lovely. 2. I planted sunflowers, a dwarf variety for cut flowers and a tall verity. 3. I have begun packing for our holiday in Italy and its very exciting! 4. I used a lush bath bomb last night and it was … Continue reading 5 happy things 20.05.2018
I have an exciting announcement! 💍 I am over the moon too now be engaged to marry my best friend, father of our two babies and the love of my life. Saturday 21st April 2018, 6 years since we started going out as dorky teenagers, and after nearly 10 years of knowing and annoying one … Continue reading Exciting announcement ahead!
Dear Réalta, Today was a good day. I was woken up at 6.10am by the fire alarm, it was a drill, but I had to evacuate in my pyjamas and it was not fun and very cold. Bar that drama and a very abrupt start to my day, everything has been nice. I visited a … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.
Dear Réa, It is 9 days now until what would have been your due date. In some ways yours is easier than Emmets, as I was pregnant so briefly there was little time to imagine bringing you home. I knew you were already leaving our lives. The packs I am putting together to donate in … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.
Dear Emmet and Réa, Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that. I spent a lot … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.
Dear Réa, Today I went to a Japanese Calligraphy class with my friends, it was spontaneous, well as spontaneous as I get, meaning I had a good 5 or so hours notice, and re-did my hair before we went out. I wasn't expecting to go out, but I think it was good for me not … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 12. Shodo and Hiragana
10.03.18 Hello my love, Today I slept a lot, and by a lot I mean today practically didn't exist I slept so long, but I feel better for it. I often don't sleep well, and sometimes my noisy brain keeps me awake at night. I miss you in times like those where my body aches … Continue reading 22 letters to you, day 10. Hello my love
Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta
05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.
3.03.18 Dear Réalta, Yesterday I felt as if I was coping much better, but I was very glad that the snow meant everything I had organised to do was cancelled so I didn't have to leave the house unless I chose too. My new wheelchair came unexpectedly today and I am hoping it will make … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta
22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.
Dear Réa, Today marks the first day of march. I have been dreading this month. I wish this was the month we got to meet you. To bring you home. I heard on the Radio Lincoln County Hospital, sent out a request for donations for the Chapel of Rest. They want to be able to … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter One. Dear Réalta..
I am becoming almost accustomed to grief now, and if anything that is more terrifying than when it was all consuming. How can something like this become my everyday? How this is the reality we face is beyond my comprehension. If someone told me I would have two miscarriages, start university, and move house in … Continue reading Becoming accustomed to grief.
Green I can't really say why but green has become 'Emmets' colour, and Réaltas is blue. But it has. Enclosed leafy spaces where the light shines through and everywhere is green and bright remind me of Emmet, and big blue skies and starry nights make me feel closer to Reá. I like forests and groves … Continue reading Green leaves
I see little things like this picture and I just suddenly realise how much I ache with missing Emmet. I want a little boy in my arms to look at this and smile and think off. I miss both my babies but it's hardest knowing that Emmet should be here in my arms right now. … Continue reading Pipe dreams and the little things keep me believing
Will we one day all be reunited? I like to think so, but some days I fear that they truly are gone forever. That my mother was right and that death is final. I envy people with unshakeable faith, a firm belief one way or another. I think there is comfort on both sides of … Continue reading There may never be closure
My grandad once told me a story about a Tribe who believed that when people die they journey high up into the sky, and that the stars are their campfires. Réalti means 'little star' in Old Irish, and Réalta means star. One day I hope to build our own campfire, where nobody is missing and … Continue reading Happy 6 months little star.