Dear Emmet, It's been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me. I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick … Continue reading 1 year and 11 months.
The Frenemy. Mine is Facebook, I use the messanger app nearly every day to keep up with friends and family, but I can't think of the last time I actually went on Facebook unless it was just to untag myself from the random crap my Bio dad calls to my attention. I like unicorn stuff, … Continue reading The Frenemy
Hello sweetheart, I tried to write you a letter a day in March, so on the 22nd March you would have 22 letters before your due date. I didn't manage to do that and felt like a bit of a failure for not managing to meet my own goal for you, but my motherhood is … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 16, Dear Réa 🌠
Dear Réalta, Today was a good day. I was woken up at 6.10am by the fire alarm, it was a drill, but I had to evacuate in my pyjamas and it was not fun and very cold. Bar that drama and a very abrupt start to my day, everything has been nice. I visited a … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 14. Dear Réalta.
Dear Réa, It is 9 days now until what would have been your due date. In some ways yours is easier than Emmets, as I was pregnant so briefly there was little time to imagine bringing you home. I knew you were already leaving our lives. The packs I am putting together to donate in … Continue reading 22 letters to you, letter 13. Dear Réa.
Dear Emmet and Réa, Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that. I spent a lot … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Day 11. Mother Day.
Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta
Dear Réalta, I feel as if I should write to Emmet too, but these are your letters, and I have written him hundreds of his own. I put aside these 22 letters. One for each day in March leading up to what should have been your due date. For a long time I didn't know … Continue reading 22 letters to you. A love letter to those who gave me the title ‘mother’ Letter 7.
4.03.18 Dear Réa, Today I wore my brightest yellow jumper because I was tired of wearing dark colours all the time, and the weather is so grey. Even if I feel rubbish, bright colours make me feel cheerful, and wearing my sunshine jumper was the boost I needed to get me out of bed today. … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.
3.03.18 Dear Réalta, Yesterday I felt as if I was coping much better, but I was very glad that the snow meant everything I had organised to do was cancelled so I didn't have to leave the house unless I chose too. My new wheelchair came unexpectedly today and I am hoping it will make … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta
22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.
I am becoming almost accustomed to grief now, and if anything that is more terrifying than when it was all consuming. How can something like this become my everyday? How this is the reality we face is beyond my comprehension. If someone told me I would have two miscarriages, start university, and move house in … Continue reading Becoming accustomed to grief.