05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.
3.03.18 Dear Réalta, Yesterday I felt as if I was coping much better, but I was very glad that the snow meant everything I had organised to do was cancelled so I didn't have to leave the house unless I chose too. My new wheelchair came unexpectedly today and I am hoping it will make … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta
I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.
Emmets Gran (EG)- Oh what are you making? Me- Occupational Therapist told me knitting was good, I'm making a cowel scarf, trying to do this checkered pattern. EG- Not another baby blanket then. Me- No Skye has enough I think. Any more and you'll have to dig her out of the blanket pile. EG- Another … Continue reading ‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’ -Emmets Gran
So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... … Continue reading To which camp do I belong?
I've chosen to put my name on this blog for the first time. Why? Because it's mine. Because I want my mark on it. Because I will not be ashamed.
Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to … Continue reading Limbo land
Updated playlist I find music very comforting, and a valuable emotional release. I find it easier to cope with music. Here are some songs I have found that I found really helpful during and after my miscarriage. * means the song contains religious content, so you can avoid it if this is an issue for … Continue reading Playlist Surviving Miscarriage Together
Then 'New Human' in the family is a girl and the in laws are calling her Skye. This makes me happy, being able to buy baby clothes with happy thoughts makes me feel like a ton of bricks has come off my chest after the grief of last week/ the last 3+ months. I spent … Continue reading Five happy things 4
Today I found out that my 'sister in law' (sorta. We'll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye. When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so … Continue reading Look up to the Skye and see…
My partners brother (henceforth termed brother in law) and his partner are having a baby. People on my side of the family keep teasing me about knitting baby shoes when we gather to watch tv on a sunday with the whole clan together. 'Ohh are you expecting' 'Look someone's broody' 'It'll be your turn soon' … Continue reading Piss off I’m just an auntie
My five happy things for this weeks My in laws are having a baby! There is now a use for ny hopeless urge to buy/make baby clothes Seriously I. GET. TO. BE. AN. AUNT. AGAIN!(As I now claim all children of my partners siblings as nieces/ nephews as well as kids of my own siblings.) … Continue reading 5 happy things 3
I am doing my best at focusing on being grateful for what I have, and the chances and choices I have, rather than those which I don't. I know it's not an option for us for ten plus years yet, (i.e. after the necesary goals of or a job and a house have all been … Continue reading The future, maybe?
Mostly I just want to be a mother. A mother with a living, breathing, hold your hand as you cross the street child. I now have a 20% chance of re-occurring miscarriage due to losing my first pregnancy. Added to that the 13% increace that is associated with severe joint hypermobility syndrome we're looking at 33%. … Continue reading Ode to health based infirtility
I don't really feel very hopeful at the moment. Actually all I feel is empty and numb and sad. I sometimes feel a bit disassociated with my life. Like there is now way this is happening. Time is not moving on, I can't keep up with it. I feel just a bit 'outside' all the … Continue reading Hopeful?
Harry Potter quiz night was Friday, that was a lot of fun. And I met my partner for cake on the market cross and book shopping in the afternoon which was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for fluffy fluffy pjamas and fluffy socks because they make me happy even when I'm really sick. … Continue reading Five happy things 2
This week my health has been interesting. It's the only real thing that describes it. It hasn't been awful, it could definitely be worse, but my digestive system is having some serious moments. This week has not been it's finest hour. I got a bit over tired with schoolwork and my body threw a hissy … Continue reading So my health…
We're now at what would have been the 20 weeks point. We would have ultrasound pictures and know what their gender would have been. We'd have been able to feel them move for a while. At this stage they look human, not like a blob of cells. I look at images of babies in the … Continue reading Who I’ve been
Mostly now I can feel myself ever so slowly creeping forward to a place where I might just be able to move on, to move forward from this. Not that it will ever not be a part of me, but I cannot and will not let my past define me. I am a mother yes, … Continue reading Those out of the blue days…